


Beautiful Stranger

by Sincerelyyoursanonymous



Series: Covered in the Colors [2]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, F/F, Fluff, Hard of Hearing Anya, Lexa / Anya / Aden siblingship, Slow Burn, after like twenty years ffs, deaf aden, deaf lexa, guess who's baaaaaack, have the gaybies again
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-04
Updated: 2020-12-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:47:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27883230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sincerelyyoursanonymous/pseuds/Sincerelyyoursanonymous
Summary: It's been ten years since Clarke and Lexa left home to drive across the country for college. But college showed hardship, hardship that they couldn't handle the way they needed to. With Lexa in London, and Clarke in the states, it seemed that fate wasn't on their side. But when Octavia sends Lexa an invitation to the ten year high school reunion -- well, it seems that maybe they can find each other again.or, the long-awaited sequel to Colors.
Relationships: Anya/Raven Reyes, Clarke Griffin/Lexa, John Murphy/Aden
Series: Covered in the Colors [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2041622
Comments: 30
Kudos: 61





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Two years. It's been two years since I last updated this series and a year since I've posted in general. I'm sorry for the wait. Life gets in the way. I'm engaged now, and have a child -- life's been crazy. But I finally have the inspiration to write again, and it's all because of the comments left on the first part of this series. You guys never fail to bring up my spirits. 
> 
> The first few chapters of this fic may be a little rough, and a little short as well. The first official chapter is still in the works, but it's about a quarter of the way written. Until then, I hope this shorter prologue can tie you over.

**SEPTEMBER**

College turned out to be a lot more stressful than either of them hoped, but in the beginning, they did everything they could to make time for each other. Late night dates, study sessions at each other's dorms as often as possible. It was easy in the beginning. They didn't have the stress of finishing finals on time or rushing to get that paper done with one hour to spare -- they were still kids. Kids who would do anything to be with the person they loved. 

But then... things got less easy as time went on. 

Clarke decided she wanted to rush Kappa Alpha Theta, and when she got in... well, there wasn't a lot of studying at her dorm from then on. They spent nights together there, but with how loud the sorority house could be at times, it was hard for Clarke to concentrate on both studying and trying to converse with Lexa while all the other girls were trying to talk to her. It was starting to feel like Clarke was less of a girlfriend and more of an interpreter. And the sorority girls got her a job at the campus coffee shop -- now, she was making her own money, and having fun while doing so. 

But they still made time for dates, and they enjoyed every single one they went on. 

Until Clarke falls asleep after a long shift on a night they were supposed to go to the diner together to study. 

Lexa doesn't blame her; she can't blame her. Clarke has been insanely busy lately, and she assumed it was an accident. That doesn't mean that the unanswered text messages sitting in her outbox make her feel any less hurt, however. 

Things get a little easy again when Lexa finds an interpreter who quickly becomes her friend. Lexa doesn't struggle as much in classes, and isn't relying on Clarke to translate the videos from class for her. His name is Gustus; a big, burly sophomore who's little brother is deaf, meaning that Gustus is fluent in sign language. It was almost a perfect fit. 

\---------------------------------------

**OCTOBER**

Aden messaged them asking about plans for Halloween. He and Murphy wanted to pick up the girls and take them to a few haunted houses they saw in Los Angeles; make it a weekend getaway from school and stress. Almost completely like the old times. And Lexa gets excited about it. She missed just spending time with Clarke and having her brother there would make it better. 

But Clarke says she won't be able to make it. She says she has to study. 

And Lexa tries her best to understand. But that doesn't stop Lexa from getting blackout drunk that weekend. 

And Aden is left worrying while picking up the pieces of his heartbroken sister. 

\--------------------------------------

**NOVEMBER**

The plan was to fly home to Annapolis for Thanksgiving and spend it as one, big, conjoined family with Abby, Indra, and Nyko -- having all of them together again -- Raven and Murphy included. And for the week, Clarke and Lexa are content again. They're happy, and in love, and spending their days bullshitting with Raven and Murphy and Aden just like in high school. They're okay, even if just for the moment. 

\---------------------------------------

**DECEMBER**

They're back home for Christmas break. And while Lexa is the one consistently held up with studying, she still makes time to partake in new and old holiday traditions, including kissing Clarke under the mistletoe. She goes sledding with her brother, makes cookies with Anya ( while Raven sneaks batter from the bowl ), and watches holiday movies with her family. It's good. 

Until she sees Costia in the supermarket. 

Costia doesn't see her, but the mere sight of the girl alone is enough to send her into a panic, unaware of everything around her. It haunts her at night, causing her to wake up in a cold sweat and tears. Clarke becomes concerned -- but Aden is the one nervous when Lexa drinks herself into another stupor two nights before New Year's Eve. 

\--------------------------------------------

**MARCH**

Lexa's drinking only gets worse with time. With Clarke having less and less time thanks to the second year of school picking up, and work, and sorority duties -- she and Lexa don't have a lot of time to be alone together. And Lexa understands, she always does -- but she still feels lonely at the end of the night. And that's when she starts to drink. Her nightmares of Costia return after months gone, but this time Clarke isn't in her bed to coddle her back to sleep. 

\---------------------------------------------

**APRIL**

Clarke has enough of Lexa's drinking and doesn't even try with an ultimatum. She asks Lexa not to drink and while the brunette promises, she slips up time and time again. Clarke can't do it anymore. 

They split up after the third time Lexa slips up. 

And Clarke is heartbroken. Lexa is too. But they both know that it's for the best right now -- they were good in high school. But college is proving to be too stressful for the both of them. And Clarke states that Lexa needs to get her mental health in check. Lexa agrees. 

She's on the first plane to Oxford at the end of that semester. 

\--------------------------------------------

**PRESENT DAY ; DECEMBER. TEN YEARS LATER.**

Lexa stood in her living room, an envelope in hands as she sorts through the mail. The London snow fell down out the window, but Lexa couldn't peer her eyes off the return address to even bother looking. She recognized that last name, and despite it being years -- she recognized that handwriting as well. 

Forrest. 

She hadn't talked to them in a while. Not since the wedding, at least. She wondered what Octavia was writing to her about. 

She opened the letter, reading in her head ...

_'you are formally invited to the ten year reunion of Arkadia High School, class of 2018 ...'_

She let out a sigh as she leaned against the wall. Of course Octavia would try to get her to come to the high school reunion. There was a link to a private page on the invite ... she typed it in on her phone, leading to a facebook page. Leave it to Octavia to make things so complicated. 

Against her better judgement, she hit 'Going' as her response. 

Maybe this was her chance to see Clarke again.


	2. I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa returns to Annapolis and runs into old friends, reacquainting with one of them. The reunion begins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wanted to bust this out before the end of the night. Still please bare with me as my writing is incredibly rusty.

Every article of clothing she put into her suitcase felt heavy in her hands. She was excited to go home -- but also so nervous she felt like her insides were about to become her outsides. She could feel the nervous sweat at the brim of her hairline; she hadn't even left her house yet. She was just afraid that Clarke wouldn't want to see her again. 

_'You've got this. Remember to breathe, yeah?'_

Gustus reminded her, a soft grin on his face as he got her attention. 

Gustus moved in with Lexa shortly after he graduated from Standford. She needed a roommate, he wanted to see the world a little bit, and this was the perfect way for them both to learn BSL. They learned together, even going as far as using flash cards. It was goofy, but nice. 

But since they had lived together for so many years ... he picked up on her anxieties. And this was one of them. She hadn't seen most of these people since she left the states -- the few exceptions being her family and those dating her family. And even then -- Raven hasn't talked to her since she and Clarke broke up. She was mad about how things ended; how Lexa started drinking instead of confiding in her friends when things were going wrong. And she was mad that Lexa let things get that far to where Clarke felt she had no choice but to end things. 

Lexa's drinking, ironically, only got worse after the split. She'd drink at parties, drink alone, even had to be escorted home by the police a few times because she got too drunk at a bar. It wasn't until Aden flew out to London to surprise her at her apartment for an intervention that she really believed she had a problem. She slipped up twice since then; it's been four years since her last slip up. She keeps her chips in her pocket as a constant reminder of what she lost for alcohol. 

She hasn't really dated since the split. She's had a few hookups here or there, mainly fueled by alcohol, but nothing really stayed. Nobody made her feel the way that Clarke made her feel. It's like during the breakup, she left her heart in California. 

Once her stuff is packed up and ready, Gustus drives her to the airport. He offered to go with her, but Lexa couldn't make him uproot his life for a month. She wanted to stay longer than just the reunion; to really spend time with her family. The things she's been neglecting to do since she left. Plus, her therpaist thought it'd be a good fit for her. 

The plane ride itself was peaceful. She watched the clouds roll by, letting her mind wander along. Minutes turned to hours of her waiting eagerly to land ... she missed home. She missed the Maryland views, the smell of the bakery down the street. She hoped that being home this time would be easier than the past ones, where she was haunted by memories of Clarke and Costia. 

She recieved a message on her phone, indicated by the blinking light of the flashlight. A text from Octavia, confirming her RSVP with excited emojis. Lexa was glad to see her again. Even though they haven't really seen each other since the wedding, Octavia made Lexa the godmother of their first born child -- a title that, under the haze of alcoholism, wasn't that important to Lexa at the time. But she vowed when she got sober that she'd fix things. And Octavia vowed to hold her to that promise. 

Aden was waiting for her when the plane landed. It had been a few months since she saw him last, and despite him being fully grown it felt like he was getting taller every time she saw him. He had the same goofy grin as always; and when it boiled down to it, he was the main reason why she decided to get sober. Seeing how disappointed he was every time he had to pick her up or take care of her the morning after made her realize just how badly she was screwing up. Aden didn't deserve that for a sister; he didn't deserve that at all. And that's why, when she surpassed the first year, she had given him that token. 

_'Right on time, as always.'_ He grinned, walking up to her. 

It took her a minute to remember that he didn't know has much BSL as she did. She had to turn back her brain to bring back the ASL that she didn't use as often anymore. 

_'Want to get food?'_

She grinned at him, _'God, yes. I'm starving. I didn't eat before I left.'_

She had been too nervous and excited to even think about food. But had Gustus known that she hadn't eaten, she was certain that he would've shoved some sort of food down her throat. She was grateful for that -- and she knew that Aden was too. Because someone else was keeping an eye on her when he couldn't. 

She didn't bring a whole lot. Granted, she didn't really have a whole lot in her apartment to begin with. There were a few collectables here and there that she's gathered the past few years, but for the most part, her room was bland. A lot of that was due to her issues; she didn't feel the need to build something photogenic, something wholesome to keep around her. She wanted to focus on school, and then her job. Had she traveled more, or even as much as Gustus did, she probably would have a lot more. 

All she brought with her was enough clothes to make a combination of outfits to last her the month. And if she really needed, she could always go shopping. She just hoped it wouldn't have to come to that. 

They went to the diner where Lexa had taken Clarke on their first date on Valentine's Day. It brought back painful memories; memories of laughter and holding hands over the table that burned the back of her eyes; stinging them with tears threatening to escape. But she held it in -- she dug her own grave. It wasn't Aden's duty to pick up the pieces this time. 

_'Woods' Special?'_ Aden asked with a grin, bringing Lexa from her thoughts. 

She nodded, bringing a smile back as she was shot back to reality. 

They started to eat in silence. It was comfortable, even if it felt a little awkward on Lexa's side. Like she didn't know how to talk to him after being away for so long. With his jacket off now, she could really take in the tattoos he had along his arms... he really liked his job as a tattoo artist. She could see some of his own work; it made her wonder who did them for him. It also made her wonder just how covered Murphy was after all this time. 

_'How have you been, Lex?'_ He asked in between bites of food. 

_'I've been... okay.'_ She paused, taking a drink. _'I had a domestic violence case last week.'_

_'How'd that go?'_

_'My therapist heard all about it.'_ She joked, a smirk playing at her lips. _'I was the defendant for the girl... there was too much evidence not to win.'_

Aden grinned at her. He enjoyed hearing about Lexa's job, even if it meant little snippets here and there through text or call. They didn't interact as much as they used to, and maybe that was why when they did get to see each other it was so special. He missed her, a lot. And he told her that every time they saw each other. 

_'I'm sure it did. But how did you react to it?'_ He emphasized the "you". He was worried that it would bring back nightmares, or remind her of her own trial that she had. 

_'I'm okay, Aden. Really. I... haven't really had any nightmares since I started therapy. I'm starting to think it was the alcohol that fueled them.'_

_'Is that why I haven't gotten any calls when it's late for you?'_

She nodded, taking another bite. It was nice to be with him again. She didn't say it as often as he did, but she missed him too. He was one of the few constants in her life when she went through her alcoholism; both while drinking and getting sober. Even Luna tended to drift away from her at times when it was at it's worst. 

They finished their food rather quickly, mainly because Lexa was so hungry. And on the ride home Aden let her blast her music; he even turned off his aids so it could be louder. It felt like old times when it was Lexa driving and they'd spend hours together, just driving around. Good memories that she had stored in the back of her mind. 

Her parents' house hadn't changed. There was still the same old steps, dirty and covered in a thin layer of moss. It made it extra slick in the winter, but during those times there was always a thick coating of salt to make up for it. The front door still stuck a little if pulled too slow; Aden always said that it creaked. Aden himself didn't stay long with her after she had mentioned she was going to sleep off the jet lag; he said that their parents were at work and Murphy was dicking around with the gym equipment. He didn't want to leave his boyfriend alone for too long. Lexa understood. 

\---------------------

The clock read twelve thirty-two in the morning when she woke up again. She didn't feel rested, but she didn't feel that often these days. While the nightmares went away, so did her comfort in sleeping -- she knew she had herself to blame with that. She hadn't had a good night's sleep in years. Usually, when this happened she'd find herself at her desk, reading over files for her job or playing some mindless game on Gustus' PlayStation. But she took the month off work, and she didn't have Gustus' PlayStation here; all she had were memories lining the walls of her bedroom that hadn't changed since she left. Photographs left hanging on the walls, her shelf of cameras gathering dust. The constellation lamp that projected stars on her ceiling needed a new bulb. Her bookshelf left half-empty; the books that meant the most to her sitting on her shelf in London. 

She swallowed the suffocating memories and brought herself up to the surface of her mind, slipping out of bed. It was too much to think about at once; too many memories of girls she had in this room -- of one girl in particular. So many years later and Clarke still dwelled in her mind. The way she smelled, the way her fingers felt against her skin, burning it in the most delicious of ways. The way she hadn't been touched since she left. 

She made her way down the stairs to the kitchen. She needed something to drink, something sugary and bad for her system. It was a trick she had found to combat the urge for alcohol; if she had something sweet, something that tasted similar to the drinks she got at bars, it kept the urge at bay. 

She was stopped in her tracks upon seeing Raven sitting at the island, a bowl of cheez-its on the counter and another bowl of some dip creation in her hand. Was she ready to talk to Raven? Ready to feel that guilt all over again -- the one she had tried so hard to work past, if even for a temporary period of time? 

While she was nervous and anxious to see Clarke again, Raven was one she was truly afraid of seeing. Raven had a completely different aura than Clarke; while Clarke was gentle and sweet, Raven was passionate; aggresstive. Raven had no filter when it came to saying what she wanted to say, especially if she was mad. It didn't take Lexa long to learn that. She walked past her with caution, right to the fridge. Luckily, her father had a sweet tooth as well -- she pulled out a can of fruit punch and started to make herself a mocktail with the options available. 

She felt a tap on her shoulder. 

_'We need to talk.'_ Raven signed; it seemed that the years with Anya made Raven grow fluent. 

She nodded and swallowed, bringing her ingredients over to the island. 

_'I don't know what to even say to start this. But I knew it was coming.'_ So maybe Lexa lied a little. She wasn't expecting Raven to try to talk to her during the first two days of her being there -- she was hoping it would come later. 

_'You can start with explaining to me what the hell you were thinking. And why, of all times now -- you decided to come back. You know Clarke is going to be there tomorrow. And you know that what you did hurt her. And then you just didn't show up again for years on end.'_

Lexa nodded. Everything Raven said was true. At least now Raven was giving her a chance to explain herself. 

_'I transferred to Oxford to give Clarke space that I knew she needed -- that we both needed. I wasn't expecting to get addicted to alcohol. I felt I had lost everything and I was starting over in a completely knew place. All I can say in regards to not talking to her again ... I wanted her to have space. I didn't want to come bursting into her life when I didn't feel like I deserved it -- before I was better, before I was ready. Before she could be ready.'_

_'And you think you're both ready now?'_

Lexa sighed. _'Maybe. I've been sober for four years. Despite the drinking, I managed to graduate from Oxford with honors, I have a job at this great law firm --'_

_'What about photography?'_

Lexa's eyes fell. She only truly picked up her camera to photograph a few months ago. Clarke had become her muse and when she lost her, she lost her desire to take pictures. Hence the change in major. 

_'I don't do it as often anymore.'_

Raven nodded, a sign for Lexa to continue. 

_'I've been in therapy for the same four years I've been sober. Working through the issues that led me to drink in the first place. As for me coming to the reunion ... I want to fix the problems that I created when I started drinking. Making amends, being there for those I promised. Starting with Aden, and hopefully -- ending with Clarke.'_

Raven nodded again. She was silent for a few moments; something that had Lexa worried. She knew that if she messed this up, there was a good chance the conversation she hoped to have with Clarke would be messed up as well. And having that blow up in her face wouldn't exactly be good for her. 

_'Clarke isn't the same person she was back then, Lexa. She's changed. She actually just recently finished med school.'_

_'What about her art?'_

Raven smirked, _'Art therapy. You had more of an impact on her than you think. After you guys split ... She spent a lot of time in her room, painting. It was like therapy for her. She decided to try and help others the same way.'_

Lexa knew that it wasn't a dig at her. She did her best to not be offended. 

_'But she's in a different place. Like I said, she's not the same girl she was years ago. She's grown up. I'm actually shocked that she decided to come this weekend.'_

_'Where is she, now?'_

_'She, Niylah, and Luna have a place in Seattle.'_

_'She went back to Washington?'_

_'All she has here is her mom. She still hasn't talked to her dad.'_

Suddenly, Lexa felt like she was intruding on a life that she didn't deserve to intrude on right now. Not without talking to Clarke first. She changed the subject soon after to Raven's life and learned that the girl has been working with NASA with aerodynamic engineering. It didn't come as a shock to her. She and Anya never really talked about Anya. 

They stayed up for a few hours until Lexa's drink had become watered down and she didn't feel the urge to drink anymore. She was grateful for that, and grateful that Raven was willing to talk to her again. 

\-----------------------------

Lexa only woke up a few hours later to a pillow being thrown at her face and Aden laughing in the doorway. While she'd love to say that she missed this -- the creative ways Aden had to wake her up wasn't one she really missed. But she had a reunion to get ready for -- and it was already two in the afternoon. 

As the hours ticked by, her nerves grew. And no matter what she did, the urge to drink grew along with it. She blamed it on the nerves and the underlying anxiety of seeing Clarke again -- what if something went wrong? What if she didn't want to hear what Lexa had to say? She'd hate to think that she ruined one of the best things to happen to her all those years ago. 

Aden had planned to meet up with their friends for drinks before they walked to the high school. Lexa politely declined, not due to the urges, but because she didn't want to see Clarke right away. Not when she was this anxious. She wanted to be able to drive to the school and have that time to calm the hell down before she saw her again. 

And that's what she did. She got a coffee and drove around town, taking in the views, the smells -- the colder air that was only going to get colder as they got farther and farther into winter. By the time she showed up at the reuinion the parking lot was already full of cars and she could feel the ground vibrating from the music inside even through her car. At least they were thoughtful this year. 

She finished her coffee and headed inside. 

Octavia was the first to find her, followed quickly by Lincoln. And soon she was surrounded by all her friends and that guilt started to creep back in. She was trying to find a way to distract herself when Octavia tapped her shoulder and pointed to the entrance --

There she was. Clarke Griffin, dressed in a skin-tight dress that made Lexa's breath hitch. And she was just as beautiful as ever, with streaks of pink in her hair so vibrant they still stood out in the poor lighting. 

But what she wasn't expecting was to see Clarke Griffin show up at the reunion on the arm of someone who didn't even attend Arkadia High -- Finn Collins.


	3. II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I just wanted to point out after a few unconventional comments -- this is the second part in a series. A series about dealing with various dark themes and handling different forms of coping. A series about handling grief of all forms and growing from past mistakes. 
> 
> I don't wish to see comments about how this story is "just like every other clexa fic" just because Clarke showed up with Finn. Just like all my other stories, there is a surefire plot. 
> 
> Please be kind.

_'What is he doing here?'_ Lexa asked, turning towards their friends. She didn't expect Clarke to wait for her -- not at all. Clarke was more than allowed to see other people. She just wasn't expecting Clarke to go back to one of her exes. 

_'I'm not sure. Clarke R-S-V-P'ed but didn't mention anything about a plus one.'_ Octavia explained, eyes glued as Clarke made her way throughout the gymnasium. 

She was gorgeous as always. The haircut suited her well. And the past ten years didn't seem to do anything to the woman. It seemed like she hadn't aged a bit. 

_'I don't know what to do --'_

_'First of all, breathe, Lex. It's just Clarke, right? You know Clarke. And you don't have to talk to her right away.'_

At least Aden was on her side. He was the Switzerland to the two of them. And he had promised Lexa long ago not to converse to the other what was said in the comfort of the girls and him. 

He linked arms with her and guided her towards the drink table. It didn't take a genius to know there was a majority of alcoholic beverages; Lexa felt her hands begin to sweat. She could do this. She was strong. 

Aden handed her a soda. She nodded graciously. 

_'I don't think I can do this right now, Aden. What if she doesn't want to talk to me?'_

_'If she didn't want to talk to you, she wouldn't have came. Right?'_

Sure, that made sense. But ten years changes a person. Ten years takes feelings and shoves them in the closet to be forgotten about until the last minute. A child would be almost halfway through school in ten years. 

She took a deep breath and downed her drink, allowing Aden to give her arm a supportive squeeze before she walked over to Clarke and Finn. 

\------------------------------------------

**STANFORD ; 9 YEARS AGO.**

She hated this. Hated sleeping in her bed alone and left to pick up the pieces of herself. Raven had flown out as soon as she heard about the breakup, but Clarke refused to let her babysit her. The worrisome glances and sympathetic tone in her voice was too much for Clarke at once. She was strong, she could do this -- 

But then she'd see Lexa's sweatshirt still hanging up in her closet and she'd lose her shit all over again. 

She knew she could've made more time. She could've taken less shifts at the coffee shop, could've agreed to study more with Lexa instead of spending time holed up in her room. Lexa tried so hard to get her to spend time with her, and Clarke was selfish. She couldn't take that back. 

And then there was the drinking. The calls from Aden at eleven at night telling her that he made the drive to pick her up again, and going to Lexa's dorm to take care of her for the rest of the night. Seeing her progressively get worse despite the amount of effort Clarke put in to get her to stop. Lexa never got violent, that wasn't who she was. But she would drink and drink until she passed out. And the repeated symphony of calls and nursing someone she loved got to be too much. She couldn't handle seeing Lexa in that much pain. And she was selfish for that. 

Raven never called her selfish. But she knew that she was. 

"I just don't understand," Clarke sighed, looking over at her best friend. There was a movie playing in the background, but Clarke hadn't payed attention one bit. "Why didn't she talk to me? Why didn't she just ... stop?" 

"She was going through shit just like you were. And, I'm not trying to be mean ... but she did reach out, Clarke. A few times. But you can't help it when you're busy." 

Clarke ran a hand through her messy hair -- Raven was right. But yet, she couldn't stop blaming herself. 

"I just don't understand why she couldn't stop. At least for me." 

"She had a problem. And when you have a problem like that, it's really hard to stop." 

\----------------------------

**PRESENT DAY**

The sweat beading on her hairline just seemed to get worse the closer Lexa got to her. And it felt like every step she took she was getting farther and farther away instead of closer. She didn't know if she could do this. If she was ready. Her heart felt like it was going to beat out of her chest -- 

_'Hey -- let's take a walk, yeah?'_

Octavia pulled her aside, leading her out into the hallways. 

_'You were shaking really badly. We could see it from where we were standing.'_

Lexa nodded slowly, fiddling with her hands in front of her. She couldn't form the words with her hands; her nerves getting out of control. Her breathing was quick and short; she couldn't catch it. 

Octavia guided her over to the lockers, placing her hands over Lexa's and placing them on the cold metal. She hoped it would ground her friend; that it would help her calm down to feel the contrast. She hadn't seen Lexa this worked up in a long time. 

_'Breathe. Deep breaths, okay?'_

Lexa nodded again. Why couldn't she just talk to Clarke? 

_'You don't have to talk to her right away. Enjoy yourself for a little bit. She'll come to you.'_

Octavia seemed so confident in that. Like she knew something that Lexa herself didn't. 

When she was ready, Lexa let Octavia guide her back into the gym. 

\-----------------------------------

**OXFORD ; SEVEN YEARS AGO.**

Her mind wouldn't stop racing no matter how much she drank. Bottle after bottle flowed down her throat like a waterfall in an attempt to get it to stop. Memories of Clarke and playing through all that she did wrong. Missing Clarke. And seeing Clarke's face every time the blonde had to take care of her. 

It's been years. It wasn't fair. 

So why was she picking up the phone to call?

She called and called, but none of them went through. 

Maybe Clarke knew it was late for her. Or maybe Clarke just didn't want to talk to her. Lexa wouldn't blame her if it was the latter; when she was like this, Lexa wouldn't want to talk to her either. But she couldn't stop. Her mind wouldn't stop. 

She tried Aden, and he picked up on the second ring. Worried and visibly exhausted. Lexa could see the exhaustion grow when he realized she was drunk again. 

She was hurting everyone around her. She needed to stop. 

The bottle fell from her hands for the first time in a long while, clinking against the floor; the liquid spilling out. 

That was the last time she held the bottle -- until a few weeks later. 

\-----------------------------

**PRESENT DAY**

In her absence, Raven and Murphy had made their way over to Clarke. Lexa could see them talking and laughing, doing so effortlessly what Lexa wanted to do. 

So she did. 

And she felt more confident this time. Her heart was beating out of her chest with excitement instead of panic and fear. If Clarke didn't want to talk to her, she'd say so. Lexa caught Raven's eye and smiled as she got closer, stepping in between Raven and Murphy. 

_'Clarke ... Can we talk?'_

She didn't look at Finn. And neither did Clarke as she nodded, that small, beautiful smile on her lips. 

\------------------------------

Outside was cold. Cold enough to send a shiver down her spine despite the coat wrapped around her shoulders. But it was quieter outside, and it was easier to see in the streetlights than it was in the warm colors of the gym. There was less to focus on. 

They sat on a bench for what felt like hours, just sitting in silence. Neither of them knew how to begin. How do you talk so casually after so long apart? Lexa raised her hands a few times to begin to speak, but they fell back to her lap as she couldn't form the words. 

_'Aden told me you got sober.'_

Clarke signed after a moment, looking over at Lexa. 

_'It was really great to hear about that.'_

_'Yeah ... Four years. This past fall, actually.'_

Clarke smiled at her. And Lexa felt her heart skip a beat. She didn't realize truly how much she missed that smile until now. 

_'Raven told me you're doing art therapy. I thought you just wanted to be an artist. What changed?'_

Clarke shrugged and gave a gentle sigh, _'You did.'_

It was simple and blunt. Straight to the point. Lexa looked at her curiously. 

_'Seeing what you were going through, the struggle you were having when we were together ... I didn't help then, but I wanted to help others.'_

Lexa didn't understand why it seemed like Clarke was taking the blame. Lexa felt like it was her fault that they ended. She had a problem and didn't get help for years later. That wasn't Clarke's fault. 

_'I'm glad that you're doing that. But it wasn't your problem to help me, Clarke.'_

Clarke just shrugged. Maybe she did know that, deep down. But that didn't stop her from feeling guilty that she didn't at least try. 

_'Maybe not. But still.'_

_'I'm glad you're doing good things in the world.'_

_'Like you being a lawyer?'_

Lexa blushed. She didn't know that Clarke knew that. 

She could see Clarke chuckle, _'Aden told me. I'm proud of you.'_

Lexa nodded. She should've known that Clarke and Aden kept in touch. She didn't know why she'd think otherwise. She gave the girl a soft smile, then fell easily back into the awkward silence that followed. 

She couldn't even form the words to apologize to her. She didn't know where to begin. 

_'I'm glad that you came here tonight.'_ Clarke tried again. It was clear that she was trying to keep the conversation going. That was a good sign. 

_'I wasn't expecting you to show up with Finn.'_

Clarke laughed softly; she knew that Lexa was bound to ask that. Murphy was the first to ask. 

_'Yeah ... that ... happened.'_ She pushed a strand of hair behind her ear, _'We're not together. Remember -- I told you we were better off as friends. He's a physical therapist at my work. I was talking about coming home and he mentioned that it'd be nice to see my mom again and meet some of my other friends. That's all this is.'_

_'Then why didn't you mention it to Octavia?'_

_'I didn't think it was a big thing.'_

Lexa nodded slowly. This was good -- right? She and Finn weren't together. They weren't a thing and Clarke was laughing and smiling with her just like they used to. 

But she still felt guilty. 

Clarke was silent for a few more minutes. But then she looked at Lexa, the happiness in her eyes diminishing just a little. 

_'Why didn't you ever call?'_

Lexa sighed, _'I wanted to give you space. And a phone works two ways.'_

_'By the time I felt ready to, your number had changed. And when Aden gave me the new one, it just ... didn't feel like it was the right time.'_

They were caught in a neverending cycle of misunderstandings and unknown factors in each others' lives. Maybe it really was fate that they both showed up here tonight. 

And every time Clarke looked at her, Lexa felt her heart skip a beat in her chest. She wondered if Clarke felt the same about her. Or if Clarke had feelings for her anymore at all. She wasn't expecting it; wasn't going to demand it. But she really hoped that Clarke knew that Lexa still had feelings for her, even if they were buried down deep for so many years. 

_'I'm ... sorry, I didn't try harder to get better when we were together.'_ Lexa signed slowly, looking over at Clarke. She chewed her lip between her teeth. 

_'I'm sorry I didn't make more time for you.'_

Clarke gave her a soft smile. Maybe the split was what they needed at the time. 

\----------------------------------

They spent a while longer out there, talking and catching up. Lexa learned that Clarke was actually staying for the month as well, and that gave her hope that they'd be able to at least be back to best friends by the end of the month. Even if she didn't work up the nerve to tell Clarke how she felt, she'd be happy to at least stay in contact with her. That's all she really wanted out of this. To have Clarke back in her life, as a lover, or as a friend. 

When it got to be too cold out, they made their way back inside to rejoin their friends. But Lexa felt lighter. And she didn't have that overwhelming urge to drink anymore. And the music was so loud, and they danced, and it felt just like high school for a moment. No worries about relationships, or stress about jobs. They were just having fun. 

Lexa didn't want to leave Clarke that night. But Clarke had promised Abby breakfast in the morning, and Finn had whined about wanting to get drunk -- Clarke didn't want Lexa to be around that. And Lexa respected that. So Lexa went home with her siblings, and Murphy and Raven, still wishing she was around Clarke. 

Raven and Anya went to bed almost immediately. Lexa was lucky that she wasn't about to hear what was going on. She wished she could say the same about Murphy. Aden headed to bed not long after, leaving Murphy and Lexa alone in the living room. 

It wasn't awkward being alone with him anymore. He was considered family at this point, with a stocking above the fireplace and a name on a Christmas bulb. She just wished she had gotten to know him better in high school than she did after. 

_'I saw you leave to talk with Clarke,'_ He began after a moment, standing and motioning towards the door. He had a joint in his hands. It seemed that he wanted Lexa to join him. She wasn't really a smoker. But it had been a long day. 

_'How'd that go?'_

Lexa shrugged as she sat down on the patio chair; she could feel the cold even through her sweatpants. There was a light snowfall starting to drift down around them. It was peaceful. Beautiful. And seeing it fall so gracefully atop the trees made her realize just how much she enjoyed coming home. 

_'It was ... okay. We talked a lot. I apologized to her.'_ She answered, watching as he lit up the joint. The smell hit her immediately as the clouds formed around him. 

_'She's been missing you. She won't outright say it, but it's true.'_

Lexa nodded slowly. She could've gathered that based on how easily they were able to fall into conversation again. But she wasn't sure if she was right for Clarke anymore. She hoped that she was, and she hoped that if it came down to it, Clarke would choose her over anyone else -- but she couldn't guarantee anything. She couldn't make Clarke choose her. If Clarke didn't want her like that anymore ... she'd have to move on. She'd find a way. 

She took the joint when he offered it to her, taking a long drag. It was needed this time. 

_'I don't know how true that is, really. But she seems happy.'_

_'She likes her job. She's got something good going in Seattle. But you haven't seen the groupchat she has with Raven and I.'_

Lexa shrugged again. That was true. She didn't know what Clarke was thinking, and that was one of the few things she always had a mental issue with. Clarke was hard to read. Clarke was hard to tell what exactly was on her mind. She had a poker face like no other. But that was also one of the things Lexa loved about her. 

_'All we did was talk, Murphy.'_

_'Right. And all Aden and I do at home is talk.'_

She rolled her eyes, _'I'm serious. We talked a lot. I don't ... I want to get to know her again. As much as I waited for her, as much as I ... you know. I want to take my time with this. I want to get fully better. I want to get used to being with her again.'_

Murphy nodded -- he understood that. He took another long drag and handed it over to her again. Personally, he thought they were both being dumb. He's seen the way they both are when they talk about the other. He's seen how Clarke wasn't truly happy when she was with other people. And he was on the other end of the drunk phone calls when Clarke couldn't make it to "R" in her phone contacts. He knew a lot more than he led on. But he also knew that this was something that they had to figure out for themselves. He just hoped it was soon. 

_'I get that. But I wouldn't waste too much time. Before you know it, she's going to be in Seattle and you're going to be back in London. You don't have a lot of time here, Lex.'_

Lexa sighed. She knew he was right. She handed the joint back to him and stood, wrapping her jacket around herself tighter. Maybe things weren't as right as she thought they were this time. 

But as she settled into bed, with the twinkle lights creating a soft glow around her childhood bedroom -- she had dreams of Clarke laying with her. Of spending time with her and going on dates again. Of having that happy ending with her. 

Lexa just hoped that Clarke was dreaming of her, too.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you guys for sticking with me.


End file.
